Looking Glass Logic

I always liked the song “Hooray for Captain Spaulding” from the Marx Bros. 1930 film, Animal Crackers. The chorus provides the introduction and fanfare for the Captain’s grand entrance, and then here comes Groucho singing, “Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going.”

In my case, I’m not going anywhere (as far as I know), but in restarting my blog, Looking Glass Logic, I wanted to say a brief “hello” to any readers who wondered where the writer went. It’s been ten months since my last post. And since the explanation is long and windy, I’ll keep it short and simple: I’m back and hope you come back too.

I was contemplating the state of the world today as I found myself thrown out of a movie multiplex for blatantly walking in with a Starbucks iced coffee in hand.

I figured, what the hell — it’s a weekday noon showing, with only two moviegoers there who looked like they just escaped from a local nursing home. And I thought a bored ticket-taker at this time of day won’t have a problem with a small outside beverage. But, oh, no, we can’t have that. Their policy is very strict at Regal Hacienda Crossings (in Dublin, CA, just off of Interstate 580): no outside food and beverages, and there’s a sign that indicates that they can search your bags and packs. And conservatives have the nerve to call Obama a Nazi.

They refused to let me in, and I refused to give up (or hide) my coffee. So I had to go, and I missed the show.

I suppose I should have done what most other movie patrons do: shove my contraband into some dark recess on my person (and God knows I consider anything on my person personal), but I don’t feel like playing that game anymore. These days I’d rather just toss my overpriced iced coffee in someone’s fat fascist face. After all, that’s what Harpo would do.

In this economy these bloated multiplexes should be relaxing rules and reducing prices to encourage moviegoers to see the latest crappy offering from Hollywood. I could understand turning someone away with an ice chest and a portable weenie grill — and even that shouldn’t be a problem unless you’re using lighter fluid. But considering the high cost of multiplex food and drinks, a beverage from a nearby cafe shouldn’t require a normally law-abiding (and probably unemployed) citizen to walk stiffly into a movie theater with a straw protruding from their butt.

But I digress. Or maybe that’s the point. And so without further ado, let me introduce you know who: Hello, I don’t need consoling, I just returned to say, I really must be going!

Here’s the problem. The US is in a giant-chili-cheese-dog mess of an economy. And the politicians who run our country think they need to create jobs to get us back in the game. But we don’t need jobs, we need money. (During the bank bailout, the bankers asked for money, not extra part-time jobs.)

I don’t think the government can actually create jobs. It can’t force companies to hire people. It can only offer incentives like tax breaks, which don’t help much. And it isn’t likely that the government itself will create new jobs and infrastructure projects with all the fuss about the federal deficit.

Jobs, jobs, jobs. This whole job thing has gotten out of hand. Why do we perpetuate this myth that we need and want jobs? Because that is the game we’re playing. Well, I have news. We’ve been playing the wrong game.

You see, life itself is a game. Pick a game, any game. Let’s take Monopoly, for example.

In Monopoly you go around and around the board and receive $200 every time you pass “Go.” There’s no job involved to earn your pay; you just have to get your token butt to “Go.” That’s what we need: a guaranteed salary for just making it around another lap or month.

Let’s say we’ll give $2000 per month to each adult U.S. citizen, and you can’t be in jail to collect, just like in Monopoly. You don’t get more if you have kids. It’s enough to live on, but you’re certainly not going to be living the life of Riley (whoever he is).

Now you may be thinking that this will turn us into a welfare nation and no one will want to do the menial and dirty jobs. Well, people who have jobs will earn their wages plus their monthly “Go” pay. I think many people would prefer to work and make more money. And more jobs (and probably better paying ones) would be available for those who want them. The lazy people will take their “Go” money and watch the Food Network all day. And that’s fine. They’ll still be spending each month and stimulating the economy. No problem.

And how are we going to pay for this generous entitlement? Well, I have no idea. But our nation is spending lots of money on something out there.

I was checking out the US Debt Clock site (which is great fun to do on a Saturday night) and watching the US National Debt number spinning higher and higher each second — it’s like an odometer on speed. It’s currently at 14 trillion dollars. Then I saw the Actual Unemployed figure: 25,687,447. We might as well be getting $2000 a month; the national debt will just keep skyrocketing with or without us anyway.

Forget having “a chicken in every pot” (as the Republicans promised in a 1928 campaign), politicians should promise us two grand in every wallet. Even the Tea Partiers would forget about their fear of socialism with a slogan like that. And, of course, there’s the issue of how much I get for royalties for saving the country with my brilliant half-baked idea. (I just won’t mention Monopoly, so Parker Brothers won’t get a cut.)

So, let’s solve this economic mess and make unemployment a livable option rather than a financial free fall. Let’s get past this. Let’s pass “Go”!

Update: As of Nov 17, 2011, the US national debt is now over 15 trillion. Wow. Anyone up for a game of Monopoly?